Determining what to call someone is always a difficult process for me. I never like the available options: [Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss] [Surname] or [Given name].
Some people who don’t like using given names argue that they are too informal. Not me. In principle, I like the egalitarian ideal behind the change. But a complete absence of a title goes one step too far. It feels disrespectful. I’m not worried about offending someone who unilaterally feels he deserves special respect. Quite the opposite. I’m bothered that lack of formalities with strangers mocks the familiarity that comes with friendship. It creates false familiarity.
The [Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss] [Surname] option is just as bad. It stinks of social class (“a man too old to be addressed as Master, under the rank of knighthood”) and is prone to errors of assumption. I tutor a student who lives with his mother and a step-father. Before I knew of this arrangement, I might have chosen incorrectly to call the step-father [Mr.] [Student's surname]. But I don’t want to call them [Step-father's given name] and [Mother's given name]. We’re not friends. Even more common is wrangling about what to call a woman of unknown marital status [Mrs./Miss/Ms. (an honorific invented to try and fix the problem!)] or a professional of unknown rank [Mr./Prof./Dr.].
What’s more, when I’m introduced to a person through a family member, I don’t like to presume regularly inherited surnames, from husband to wife and from father to children. This is for ideological reasons as much as practical ones. As I may discuss later, I feel that I am more conservative than conservatives when they say that the breakdown of the family is the cause of many social ills. Yes, but it’s not the nuclear family that needs saving. It’s the breakdown of the extended family / community into nuclear families that has harmed society. Once this happens, a child’s well-being can depend on the health of only two individuals and the relationship between them. Now that is a dangerous, radical idea!
But I digress. What is the solution to this name problem?
I like what Thai and other Southeast Asian languages do. I like what certain Western religious communities do. Strangers are addressed by first name, with a relationship title in place of an honorific. An older woman of my generation is [Older sister] [Given name]. A man younger than my mother but much older than me is [Younger uncle] [Given name]. This is not unknown in the West, as it accords with traditions in much of Christianity and Islam, e.g. Brother John, Sister Fahima. It tends to work in societies which see kinship not just through blood ties but across a whole community. I also like what is done in some other societies, both more formal and less formal, with regards to occupational titles. A teacher in Brooklyn once told me that back in Guyana teachers do not get paid a better salary than in the United States, but they are paid better in respect. In the community, everyone calls her simply, “Teacher”. This has consequences in how she is treated by everyone from her students to the local grocer.
Can I change the English language’s dominant forms? No. Not alone. Can I feel comfortable within subcultures and in transcultural settings? Absolutely? The solution lies somewhere in between. Challenge assumptions and use unexpected language where it works.
